Possibly the creepiest photo I've ever taken (Jersey)

This is a baby (doll, thank God) in a gas crib (the infant equivalent of a gas mask) in the Jersey war tunnels, where I spent some time a few weeks ago. I was there for a happy occasion - a cousin's christening - but the day after the christening was an odd day. I was meant to dive but couldn't, due to the weather.

Instead, I went to the Jersey War Tunnels. Jersey was the only part of the British Isles to have been occupied by the Nazis during World War Two. The tunnels were built by the Nazis as an underground hospital, and the site is now a museum dedicated to the occupation.

This was the same day that I knew all of my friends at work were getting their results from the redundancy process at work. I knew mine, as my boss had let me know just before I headed off to Jersey, which was nice of him. (Well, it was nice, since I'd kept my job. Had it been bad news, I might have taken a different view.)

I wandered round the memorial garden, trying not to think about what was going on on in my office, at that moment, and feeling vaguely guilty that my sense of perspective was off.

Spent the rest of the afternoon watching "Gone Girl", as the news slowly trickled in by text about who was in, and who was out. As movie choices go, it seemed appropriate.

Tax Rebate Outcome, Redux

Yes, I kept my job again.

There's not a lot I can say this time that's any different to last time. I'm happy for me and the friends that got through, and sad for those who didn't.

I don't know if I can do this again, but that's a problem for next year.

Next week, I'm off to Malta. Blogging resumes shortly afterward!

No News As Yet

Still no news on the job front.

I'm checking out of the whole thing, and going off to Jersey for the weekend to visit the family. News will be posted here on my return!

Here We Go Again

So, I have the date for my redundancy selection interview towards the end of September, and the deadline for submitting a written expression of interest.

Words don't quite capture how much I really don't want to do this again. Unfortunately, the only thing I'd rather do less is "not have a job", so here we go. I may be off the radar for a while.

In better news, I have, finally, achieved my diploma!

You Could Not Make It Up

I was recently asked what the mood in my office was like, following The Team Meeting. "Resignation with a side of gallows humour" was the best answer I could think of; we've reached the point where when someone says "I find gallows humour helps me cope", someone else says "Don't say that too loudly, next week there could be an actual gallows".

We did laugh quite a lot recently though, when it turns out that this month is Health and Wellbeing month in the office. We were all given a piece of paper and invited to write down three things that would improve our health and wellbeing at work.

I had to remind myself that you should only quote The Thick of It among other people who've watched it, as I think I shocked a couple of people by remarking that my employer expressing concern for my health and wellbeing whilst proposing to make half my team redundant in three months' time is a bit...

What to call this post?

The original title of this post was "Time to Depart?", but when you suffer from depression and your friends know it, you should probably not create posts with names like that, nor go on Facebook and post enigmatic-sounding depressed posts which cause people to run around worrying, texting you and leaving messages of support and pleas to know if you're alright.

The inspiration for it was the uniquely nasty experience of sitting in The Big Meeting About The Future Of The Team, AKA The Redundancies, reading the proposal for the team you work in and thinking "Actually, this doesn't sound too bad, I could get on board with this" and finding, hidden away in the middle, the sentence which indicates that the thing you do, the particular thing you've spent ten years doing and studied hard to learn how to do? Your team won't be doing that any more.

That doesn't mean I'm fired. There will be jobs, and I could probably apply for one and get it, or at least stand as good a chance as anyone else of getting it. The question for me, as for everyone else, is whether I actually want to do it. There's not really an easy answer to that one.

When you're depressed, you have the little voice whispering in your head youareastupiduselessuglycunt or Thereisnohopenotformenotforyounotforanyone. Sometimes there's another voice, suggesting something like Did you ever want to take a hammer to your life, smash it up, throw the pieces in the air and see what pattern they made when they landed? If you went somewhere else, somewhere without all the scars of the past places where you've let people down, failed and disappointed them, somewhere no-one knew you or had any expectations of you, would you be happier?

The truth is, I have no idea, and now is a bad time to decide. So I will do what needs doing, I will complete what I have committed to between now and September, and the decision will form itself in my head. I'll still be here.

The Tales We Keep Telling, 8: Conversation in my Home Town

Much as I love my family, there's a reason I don't live in my home town. (I usually joke that it's because I didn't want to get pregnant, become a hairdresser or work in a shop. I respect people who undertake any or all of those options, but that was never going to be me, and in the 2000s my home town didn't have a whole lot else to offer me. It's got better since, but still...)

A conversation I had there when I returned a few years ago sticks in my mind. I was visiting my family, and called in at Costa Coffee. Behind the counter was someone I'd done my GCSEs with. We did the hi-nice-to-see-you conversation, and she asked "So what are you doing these days?"

My reply: "I moved to Newcastle, got a research job there, I go scuba diving on a weekend, thinking of buying a flat... how about you?"

Her reply: "I'm serving you a coffee."

What followed was one of those rare moments of telepathic silence, when two minds are thinking the same thought in unison.

Specifically: "Yep, there's really nowhere else this conversation can go from here."

The Tales We Keep Telling, 4: The Glass Bottle of Piss

Nah. This one also doesn't get told until I leave my current employment. Let's just say that it occurred towards the start of my current employment, and usefully disabused me of any notion I might have had that the new employer was going to be any better organised than the last one. We'll leave it at that.

Video For How I Feel About My Current Employment Right Now

Start watching somewhere around 1.40. In fairness, things are not quite this bad, but when you have to watch this speech to remind yourself of that, they're pretty fuckin' dire, as Mr Tucker would no doubt say.

Cartoon of the CyclingDiver

Been a busy month so far, as I continue to learn about management. Apparently the main side-effect of studying management and leadership theory is the need to resist the urge to go into your boss's office brandishing a textbook, pointing at it and saying "See, it says here you're doing this bit wrong".

On a more positive and less boring note, a good friend made me this rather excellent cartoon for my birthday. It now hangs in the bathroom, which has the vague theme "Sea". (The other themes in the house are:

• Hallway = Cats
• My bedroom = Travel
• Living room = Nostalgia
• Kitchen = Cross stitch
• Spare room = Drying laundry
• Cupboard under the stairs = Diving-related crap)

I especially like the diver in the top right hand corner :-)

Valar Doheris

 Really not much to say this week, except I'm feeling happier that in earlier weeks. Sometimes the best thing to do when you're utterly tired of a situation is to remove yourself from it with speed. Which I have done, and now things are better.

Hopefully I'll be back in the water soon. Spring is springing, the daffodils are poking their heads up, and I'm back on my bike.

I'll also soon be back at work, but hopefully the break and the chance to have some fun (see photo!) has given me back the resilience to go there and do what I have to do.

Onwards.

Crossroads

I wanted to carry on with the "Assertiveness for Divers" article, but I hope I'll do that next week. Truth be told, this hasn't been a happy week. Let's just say it's becoming increasingly clear that my face doesn't fit where I work, and I have an uncomfortable feeling that next time, the recipient of the Black Spot will be me.

All together now: "What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here..."

Time to plan an escape route. Where did I leave that shovel...

Tax Rebate Outcome

Well, the unpleasant selection process is over, and I survived. That's "selection" as in "selection for redundancy". I survived in the sense that I wasn't selected. My boss officially confirmed that I'd been "successful" in the process, which I think both of us considered an odd word to have to choose. In other words, good news for me, but not for my five friends and colleagues who were unsuccessful. I'm reminded of the old line about getting a tax rebate: the happiness lasts as long as it takes you to remember that it was your money in the first place. Hopefully I'll be blogging a bit more often from now on. Let's hope.

Limboland

Well, following the drama of last week, here we are awaiting our results. As is ever the way with these things, nothing is ever simple; one of the interviewers (my boss, incidentally) has spent the week stuck in an industrial tribunal brought against our employer by someone who wasn't successful in the last round of interviews. Also, one of the people in the interview pool (or puddle, by now) is on sick leave and can't be interviewed until next week, so it looks like we won't know if we've got jobs until the week after next. I'm trying to resist the urge to solve this problem with alcohol.

Last week was interesting. The interview panel (my boss, the boss of the team we're merging with, who I know and work with often, and a female Director from another service who was there to add experience and gender balance to the panel) asked me the first two questions. The questions, looking back, were in the same order as on the person spec for our jobs.

Alas, this means that, for me, the first two questions were on my weakest areas. I knew this, and I rather suspect they knew this. Towards the end of the second question, I could hear myself gabbling on, and my heart was racing faster. As they asked the third question, I felt myself going light-headed, I was seeing spots in front of my eyes, and at this point it became clear that frantically telling myself "it's just nerves and they'll soon get onto the questions you can do better on" was not going to work. I said I was feeling very light-headed and could we take a few minutes? They agreed and my boss offered to accompany me outside for some fresh air. We walked out, I remember him offering me his arm, me saying "No, I'm okay", and the next time I knew I was coming round on the green carpet outside the office to the female Director asking "Does anyone know the recovery position?"

After a slight amount of debate, I persuaded them that I should go and sit on the sofas nearby, which I did. My boss made reassuring sounds and asked if I wanted to go back. At first I said yes, but then realised I was being stupid; I really didn't feel too great. He trotted off to retrieve my line manager, who appeared to escort me to Occupational Health.

Occy Health took my blood pressure, pronounced it excellent, and asked if I'd eaten. Answer: yes. (I don't function without breakfast.) They decided it was hyperventilation and advised me to drink water. A colleague of mine appeared and offered to take me over the road to Cafe Neros. I arranged with the interview panel to come back that afternoon once the other candidates had been interviewed.

A mocha and an oat and raisin cookie later, and I was back in the office with my manager sitting with me. I agreed that I'd like some company, so we sat and chatted until it was time for me to go back in. I sat outside whilst they kept me waiting for 15 minutes (this may have been unavoidable, but wasn't helpful!), then went back in.

As I'd thought, the remaining questions were better suited to me. i gave it my best shot, and walked out feeling much better.

I've done all I can. Now, we await the results.

All Done With Now

I had my interview yesterday, which was not without drama, as I fainted (literally, passed out) after the first two questions. Fortunately, they let me come back and take another run at it two hours later. I think it went well - but we'll find out for definite in a week.

If not, this may be the template I use for my leaving speech:

Thought For The Past Three Months

Says it all, really.

Still Not Feeling Very Festive

Not much to see here. I think the only thing I'll say is that whilst I really, really want to keep my job, the main thing I remember from when I was successful the last two times was a sensation of relief, followed by deflation.

It's a bit like what they say about getting a tax refund: any joy is short-lived when you remember that it was your damn money in the first place.

How To Get Information From The Council

Yup, it's confirmed. I'll definitely be interviewing for my own job in the New Year. Merry F**King Christmas!
Not had much time to do writing, so here's an old piece I wrote in a slightly bad mood after dealing with one too many well-meaning students who seemed to want me to do their job for them...


How To Get Information From The Council (and other similar organisations)

DISCLAIMER: I am a research officer working for a large city council, but I am writing in a personal capacity. This is intended as a light-hearted piece of advice to social research students, of whom I was recently one, who are thinking of contacting my employer to ask us to help them find data for their research projects. It is not intended in any way to reflect my employer's official position, nor am I speaking on behalf of them!

Do You Need To Telephone Us In The First Place?

Much statistical information is available online, both on the Council’s website and on other data websites such as the Office for National Statistics, and so forth. If you use your initiative and check these first to see if the information you want to find is there, you will save us both some time.


Be Prepared: Find Out Who You Want To Speak To First

Large local authorities employ several thousand staff and provide a huge variety of services. In terms of research, they will have quite a few research and policy staff in several different services (corporate research, housing, neighbourhood services, etc). The switchboard staff will always do their best to help, but they are not able to memorise exactly who out of all the hundreds of staff does what.

Ringing the switchboard and saying you want to speak to someone about some research you’re doing will probably get you put through to whichever research officer in the corporate research team is available to take the call, who may not necessarily be the best person to help you. At the least, be prepared to be specific: “I’d like to speak to someone about crime statistics in the West End last year” is much more helpful than “I’m doing some research”. If you can have a look on the Council’s website for the names of members of staff who work in the specific area you are interested in (try the “Community Engagement” section to find details of past consultations and research), even better.


Be Polite

Yes, we are public servants, and you are a member of the public. Yes, you have a right to expect us to be polite and helpful – and, if we are not, feel free to look up the Council’s complaints procedure and complain. It is, however, much appreciated if you begin your call by asking if this is a convenient time for us to have the discussion. The answer will nearly always be yes, and we greatly appreciate not being treated like a human version of Google.


Be Patient

Be prepared for the fact that you may get transferred a couple of times and have to explain what you want to a couple of different people. This will not necessarily happen, particularly if you have checked who the best person to speak to is. However, as mentioned above, the Council is a big organisation, and it may take a bit of time to locate the exact person who has the information you’re after.

I’ve encountered a couple of people – fortunately, they are rare – who seem to assume that the Council is some sort of hive mind and that (for example) because a researcher in the neighbourhood services research team, who I’ve never met, did some work two years ago on a topic they’re doing their dissertation on, as a research officer, I must of course be intimately familiar with this work and be instantly able to provide them with the details. Alas, no.


Research Staff Are Not Batman

We don’t sit around in our research Batcave, waiting for the research Batsignal to call us into action. If you call us, we will usually be in the middle of working on our own research projects on behalf of the Council, which is our main job. This does not at all mean that we don’t want to help you, or that we mind taking your call. Helping the public is, after all, what the Council exists to do. But please be aware that research staff will be working when you call us, and it is possible that we may be working to meet a deadline. If it’s going to be a long and involved query, be prepared for the fact that we may have to arrange to call you back at another time.


It’s Not My Job To Do Your Job

We will happily do our best to help you. However, part of doing research is finding the exact information you need for yourself. By which I mean, we will quite happily help you find where the information you seek is located, and suggest other sources you might want to try if we can’t help. Once we have found you this information, however, we will not (for example) read through several pages of data to find you the exact single figure you are after. This is your job and part of your research.


Just Because It’s Urgent To You, Doesn’t Mean It’s Urgent To Me

Again, we are public servants and we are here to serve the public. We will happily help you. However, please remember the point made earlier that we have our own workloads and deadlines. Be realistic and allow enough time to get your information, bearing in mind the fact that the person you need to speak to may not be available when you call, may be available but working to a deadline and unable to help you immediately, or may be on leave.


If you leave it until the last minute, then ring up in a panic and start demanding the information you need RIGHT NOW, this is unfair on the person you are contacting (who is, after all, taking time out from their regular workload to help you) and may well result in you not getting the data you are after.


Related point: most organisations do not allow people simply to walk in off the street and start talking to people in their offices without making an appointment first. Ring us, explain the situation, and if we can’t help you over the phone, then we can look at arranging a meeting. Do not show up at reception and start asking to talk to someone in the research team right now. (Even your tutors have office hours, right?)

Onward and Ever ***ing Well Upward

Well, I'm sorry. I'd meant to do some writing about diving, maybe a bit more about Malta. But I'm stuck in a position where I'm applying for my own job for the third time in 21 months. I've caught the office cold, and I can't take sick leave as it would immediately count against me in the selection process - your sickness record is part of the scoring system.

In a twist I actually find amusing, I'm in charge of designing the system for analysing the responses people have to the Council's budget proposals. (Many of them are not terribly happy.) So I am helping my employer to consult on the very same proposals that may put me out of a job in a few months' time.

Just before Christmas.

If I do end up on the scrapheap, I fear my leaving speech may be based on that of Glenn Cullen:

Glenn Cullen Resigns

Catch you on the flipside.

Motivational Thoughts

I was recently online on a discussion forum for professionals in my field. (As one does. In my defense, I do have a life, most of the time, and having to interview for your own job twice in ten months will tend to make you take a keen interest in your career.)
One of the discussions was "What motivational sayings do you use?" Mine were:
"Onward and upward". (Works in any given situation.)
"Stay calm, stay cool and stay focussed." (Works especially well in stressful situations.)
"It will all be the same a hundred years hence." (When perspective is needed.)
"At least you're not tidying wallpaper for a living." (This was my Saturday job, aged 16.)