Ever Feel Like You Don't Know Your Own Country?

I have little else to say on the election result at this moment. Other than some quiet sobbing and unnecessary drinking.

On the plus side, Eric Pickles is no longer the minister against local government. But when you quit looking on the bright side of the catastrophe, the catastrophe is still there.

The Magic Voter Summoning Book

Well, election day rolled around again last week, meaning that I spent 15.5 hours sitting in a church hall issuing ballot papers for the local and European elections. It actually went quite well - busier than I expected, and no really tricky queries, except that a nearby polling station failed to read their register correctly and kept sending some of their voters to my station. Fortunately they were all good-natured about it when I had to send them back.

I had a new Poll Clerk this time. For those not up on the lingo: the Presiding Officer (me) is the person in charge of the polling station, whereas the Poll Clerk is there to help out the Presiding Officer. They both work the same hours, but the Presiding Officer is paid more, as they are ultimately responsible for the whole thing running smoothly, including correctly completing all the ballot papers, taking charge of the ballot box, and transporting it plus all the ballot papers to and from the ballot paper count (no mean feat with two full sets of ballot papers). We also have some cool legal powers to challenge people who we suspect of impersonating other voters, ordering people out of the polling station, and if necessary opening up an emergency polling station if the one that's supposed to open is locked or there's a fire. (The flipside of this, and the reason we get the extra money, is that if it all goes wrong a la Jesmond polling station at the last General Election, guess whose neck is on the block?)

Incidentally, the Presiding Officer is usually not the person who greets you as you come in and does most of the talking. It's more common for the Poll Clerk to be in charge of marking people off on the register, whilst the Presiding Officer issues the ballot papers, deals with queries, and watches the ballot box. Continuous custody of the ballot box is a big part of the job; we are only supposed to leave the ballot box to go for a pee or deal with issues outside the polling station, and even then you can only leave it if the Poll Clerk is around to keep an eye on it. I rather suspect that if it were practical, they'd clamp the box to the Presiding Officer's wrist with handcuffs, like that guy in Ronin.

My Poll Clerk turned out to be an ex-Council employee, who took voluntary redundancy as she was about to retire, and was occupying her time learning to swim and ride a bike. She was also trying to read a book on her Kindle. I never learned the  name or author of the book, and I suspect nor did she, as everytime she opened it, she would get one minute's reading time, then someone else would walk in to vote. By 5pm we were calling it the magical voter-summoning book.

No really difficult queries or customers, although I did have one really classic conversation:

Voter: "Why are the ballot papers marked with pencils, not pens?"

Me: "You can mark them with a pen if you like*, but we have pencils in the booths because they don't run out like pens do."

Voter: "I don't trust that."

Me: "Well, the ballot box is sealed with two seals, it gets sealed closed at the end of the day by me, then taken straight to the count and only opened when they're ready to start counting the ballot papers. If anyone wanted to tamper with a ballot paper, they'd have to get the rubber out in front of two other people on the counting table, the person observing the counting table, plus every other person in the room who happened to be looking, including the police and the local councillors."

Voter: (pause) "I still don't trust that."

Upton Sinclair once commented that it is very hard to get someone to believe something if their salary depends on their not believing it. To that, I can add "and if it interferes with their pet conspiracy theory".


* This is legal, should you wish to do it - so long as your vote is clear, you can mark the ballot paper in pencil, pen or crayon if you like.

The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Polling Stations

Earlier in May, I was yet again wielding the mightly 30cm Plastic Ruler of Democracy, as a Presiding Offier at a polling station for the local election and the mayoral referendum. It inspired this, which I call the Curmudgeon's Guide to Polling Stations, aka "Advice for Voters".

 

• You will usually see two people behind the desk. One will have books of ballot papers in front of them. Approach the other, who will usually be seated nearest the door, and have a set of names and addresses in front of them. This is the Poll Clerk, with the electoral register.  
• If you don’t have your poll card with you, introduce yourself the wrong way round! Most people give their name first, then their house number, then their street. The register lists streets alphabetically, then house numbers, then names. Give the street first, then your house number, then your name, and the Poll Clerk will find you a lot faster. 
• (NB you do NOT need your poll card to vote unless you have an anonymous entry on the register. If anyone tells you otherwise, they are wrong. Nor do you need proof of identity.) 
• If the Poll Clerk reads out a funny number, it relates neither to their getting your house number or your age wrong. This is your elector number, which the other person – the Presiding Officer – needs to record that you have been issued a ballot paper. Incidentally, the Presiding Officer (usually issuing the ballot papers) is in charge of the polling station – don’t be fooled by the fact that they are not the one greeting you! 
• You have the right to ask for help. You can have a magnifying glass, a tactile voting device if you have very poor vision, assistance from the Presiding Officer or Poll Clerk if you don’t understand what’s on the ballot paper, or you can take a companion into the booth with you (they will need to sign a simple form to say that they have assisted you), and you can come back later if you want to take more time to think about it. 
• The one thing the staff cannot do is tell you how to vote. That’s up to you.
• You have the right to vote if you have a ballot paper in your hand by 10pm. If you don’t, you can’t. If you disagree, write to your MP pronto and ask for a change in the law. 
• Staff eating pasta salads or reading the paper whilst sat at the polling desk reflects not a lack of professionalism, but the fact that they are there from 6.30am to 10.15pm without a break. Yes. WITHOUT A BREAK. 
• If the staff sound like robots, please bear in mind the following: a) they are not ALLOWED to give opinions on any of the issues being decided, the candidates, or the parties involved, lest they be accused of influencing voters, b) after the first 50 or so voters, they will have said “Yes, it is quite warm in here”, “Yes, it is quite a long day”, “It’s been quite busy” about 50 or so times. Repeat as required throughout the day – EVERYONE asks the same questions! 
• Please refrain from abusing the fact that the polling station staff are not legally allowed to leave the polling station to lurk by the desk and buttonhole them with your personal views about the local area, the local councillor, or the local council. They can’t respond, and they very probably aren’t from the local area anyway. (Personally I have some sympathy for lonely older people who are taking their best chance of the day to have a conversation with someone. Everyone else will be very politely requested to leave my polling station as soon as is decently possible.)

Verdict on the Election (Have We Got a Government Yet?)

The best possible one-paragraph summary of the UK election from the incomparable Armando Iannucci:

"Nnnyaaaaaghwooohaaooooororarararararghhhhhhh. That's the message the electorate gave on Thursday. A long, angry, discordant noise that eventually became silly. Hence the result."

Full article here.

And from my office, the following email exchange, names changed to protect the guilty:

LINDSAY: "The proceeds of the office election sweepstake have gone to Matthew, for guessing a hung parliament with the majority of seats going to the Conservatives."

OLIVER: "What, you mean you're not offering double or nothing at the next election in autumn?"

More reflections on my experiences as Wielder of the Mighty 30cm Plastic Ruler of Democracy last Thursday (yes, I was a Presiding Officer again) as and when I get time.