Saturday 22 February 2014

No, You Can't Use "Businessballs"; Thoughts On My Management Diploma


Most people who know me are by now sick of hearing about the management and leadership diploma I'm doing, nearly as sick as I am of talking about it. (And yet, I'm still writing this post.) It does appear to have dragged on somewhat. As I near the end, I'm pondering the question "Was it worth it?"

When you ask this question aloud, the instinctive response of the hearer seems to be "Yes, of course it was! Look how much you've learned." This would probably be a good reaction to anyone other than me. I don't know why, but I have an instinctive tendency to place myself on the opposite side of any argument being had.


(Actually, I do know why, at least partly. My father's childhood nickname was "Arbut", acquired through his habit of saying in reply to any line of thought put forward by anyone in his vicinity: "Ah, but..." Fortunately he married a woman blessed with infinite patience and pacifying skills - my mother - otherwise family dinners in our house would have consisted of hours of ongoing wrangling. You may correctly surmise, however, that I take after one parent more than the other.)

Either that, or I'd just really like it if someone agreed with me. It occurs to me that a large part of the rage I have swilling around in the washing machine that is the inside of my skull is due to the fact that I really can't think of any occasion in the past rotten three years at work that anyone possessed of any authority has said to me "Actually, this is crap, and you are quite right to be angry about it". It would just be nice, that's all I'm saying.

Anyway, was the management diploma worth it? Perhaps the rose-tinted spectacles are kicking in as I near the end, or perhaps I just can't face the thought that £400 of spending plus any number of dives I didn't go on and Saturday afternoons spent in Northumbria Uni's library (an excellent library, by the way) was all for nothing.

I don't really think it was all for nothing. Despite fearing that the course was pitched too high for me - it's aimed at middle to senior managers, whereas I've never held management responsibility in my life - I have learned a lot about how management and leadership are supposed to work, which is a good thing. (Although it does bring with it the temptation to march into the boss's office, thump a copy of Armstrong's "How to Be a Even Better Manager" onto the desk, and state "See, it says here you're doing it wrong".) I do hope that I'll manage to apply these principles at some point in my career.

And yes, there is a sense of achievement. I've written more essays for this than I did for my MA, albeit my MA dissertation was 15,000 words long, so it's probably even in terms of the amount of verbiage I have produced.

My main feeling really is that this was rotten timing. I moved house in September 2012, went through a redundancy selection process in the nightmarish month of January 2013, spent February and March 2013 trying to do all the work I didn't manage to do in January because of the redundancy process, then started writing the course assignments in April rather than January. I've never really managed to catch up with the deadlines since. I've also spent the past 18 months with either the monkey of moving house on my shoulder, the monkey of redundancy on my shoulder, or the monkey of uncompleted coursework on my shoulder. Those are some heavy monkeys, not to mention the squawking parrot of too much of the work I get paid to do following me around. (This metaphor is getting out of hand.)

On the plus side, I will at least get a blogpost out of this; when the dust has settled, I might finally get round to writing that "Management Styles in Game of Thrones" article I've been threatening for a while. As ever, watch this space!

PS the title is a quote from the course tutor, on what online sources we were and weren't allowed to use for our assignments. I concur with him in the interests of academic rigour, but if you want a non-serious and educational look at the amazing world of work, here you go: Businessballs.

Friday 21 February 2014

Quite Proud of This


It's my first achievement of the year.

Next achievement: Management Diploma.

Achievement after that: Dive Like A Fish*

* I have made a start on this with the Nitrox (Enriched Air - air with extra oxygen) course I did in January. As is the way with many PADI courses, we spent the first bit doing the learnigg out of books and from the instructors' experience, and the second bit providing our own sarcastic commentary on the official PADI video.

Thursday 20 February 2014

The Tales We Keep Telling, 5: Life Saved By Not Wearing a Helmet

This isn't really a Tale We Keep Telling, as it's only been told once, and not by me. However, I'm going to nick it, because it's awesome. I freely admit it may not be as good as the original, and I may have skipped a few details, but I believe the gist is intact...

I was sitting in the pub one night, when, somewhere around the second round, a friend piped up with "I know someone whose life was saved by not wearing a helmet".

"How did that happen?"

It turned out that the helmetless survivor liked abseiling cliffs as a hobby. The tale started in traditional fashion: "You should always wear a helmet, but he was in a rush..." The helmetless abseiler and some of his buddies had gone for a Saturday trip out to the cliffs, abseiled down, and started up, when my friend's acquaintance noticed that there was a problem with a rope.

He went down with only one rope to hold him (there are supposed to be two). You can guess what happened next: the rope failed to hold him, and he slipped, cracked his head hard on a rock, and plummeted downward to the rocks beneath under the gaze of his horrified friends.

"They were expecting him to start bleeding or something, but he just lay there on the rocks. It turned out, he was completely floppy as a result of being knocked out, so he hit the rocks very relaxed, and survived."

"That must have been quite a relief."

"Well, then he starting floating out to sea..."

The friends then discovered that they had no mobile reception, and sprinted inland to call the Coastguard (mental note to self: I'm going to add "Check mobile phone reception" to my dive safety plans from now on). Fortunately, they got there in time, the lifeboat got there on time, and the now thoroughly-soaked, concussed and bruised abseiler was retrieved from the water and carted off to hospital. He survived.

"And just think, if he hadn't had a helmet on, he might never have survived," my friend concluded.

It is a mark of the awesomeness of this story that people waited a whole five seconds before asking: "Wouldn't it have been better to have two ropes AND a helmet?"

We agreed it probably would. Still, I think this guy qualifies for an honorary Darwin award, and those are the best sort of Darwin awards to have.

Tuesday 18 February 2014

Dryathlon Champion

Well, I have done the Dryathlon. Completely dry January, right up to the end. A lot of people asked me on Monday 3rd February, "How pissed did you get at the weekend?", but the honest answer is, "Not very". I had a glass of white wine, that was it - didn't feel like any more.

Did I learn anything? Mostly, that you don't need alcohol as much as you think you do. It's easy to get in the habit. Also, that whilst I can sit in the pub with my friends and a soft drink and still enjoy myself apart from the odd pang, it's surviving a whole day working on a budget consultation with no promise of a glass of Chardonnay at the end of it that's the challenge. In other words, my job drives me to drink.

Back drinking now, but more relaxedly. It's like I've realised, if you don't drink at a party, or on a weekend night... let it go. There's no compulsion. Just relax, and enjoy, with or without the booze.


Saturday 15 February 2014

Valentine's Day in the Office

Overheard in my office, between two people not in a relationship with each other: "It's Valentine's Day, so I got you a dental dam".

"I didn't know they came in grape flavour."

Sometimes I wonder if a) I attract random weird stuff happening around me, b) my standards for "weird" are lower than everyone else's, or c) random weird stuff actually happens all the time, and I'm the only one who takes notice. Answers on a postcard, please...