- Thou Shalt Not Endanger Thyself
- Thou Shalt Call The Ambulance
- Thou Shalt Not Make The Patient Worse Whilst Awaiting The Arrival Of People With Actual Medical Training and Drugs
As is oft the way with divers, we could have treated it with more solemnity. Probably the most solemn comment was from my friend T, who used to be a mental health nurse, and commented that he'd done CPR for real four times "and they all died". Realistically, if your heart has stopped, the odds you'll be coming back are about one in ten. Still, the point is to try, and make sarcastic comments, as follows:
"He's hit his head, so he'll need to go to hospital so they can shine a light in his eyes and check his brain's still in there."
"There will be no flashing of boobs."
"Mate, the way you're coughing... I'm not giving you mouth to mouth!"