A Strange, Orc-Like Race...

...specially bred to keep the Scots out of England, was the Pub Landlord (Al Murray's) verdict on Geordies.

He may have been right. One night last week I was cycling home clad in my usual winter gear, in which I have a minimum of two layers of clothing all round me. Except for my face, though I do wear a balaclava for the entertainment of passers-by. As I was chugging along past Heaton Park thinking "bugger me it's cold bugger me it's cold bugger me it's cold, hot chocolate here I come", a man cycled past me wearing Lycra shorts and a sleeveless T-shirt.

If civilisation as we know it ends, the North-East will carry on as normal. Clearly the loss of heat and power won't bother Geordies in the least.

I think they've all got extra layers of subcutaneous fat under the skin for insulation, and the rest of us will just never achieve their immunity to cold.

Even so, cycling dude? Lycra is not a good look.