Tuesday, 30 July 2013

The Yoga and Meditation Teacher With the Broken Back

This really happened: I walked into my meditation class on a Wednesday* and discovered that we had a new teacher. She was wearing what looked like a superhero costume of a two-layered green tank top, shorts, a grey thingie on her back that crossed over in front, blonde hair and a big smile, and the sort of toned arm muscles I don't have even after years of lifting weights.

Her opening line, in the sort of happy American accent that makes me think of sunshine and Florida** and people rollerskating before eating vegan pancakes for breakfast, was "Hi, just so you know, this is a back brace. I broke my back last week, but it's not as bad as it sounds".

The only thing I could think of to say was "That sounds pretty bad".

Fortunately, it was the kind of broken back you want to have, if you're going to break your back, where you crack a vetebra and think it's a muscle spasm that won't go away. She did the classic "Go to A&E, wait to see doctor, doctor suggests X-Ray to 'just make sure', doctor sidles back into the room holding the X-Ray and looking shell-shocked". Apparently when the doctor replied "You appear to have broken your back", she burst out laughing, which... seems fair.

Apparently it's healing up just fine, and the brace will be off soon.

Maybe I should suggested she tell everyone it's a superhero costume. I'd believe that.


* I recommend this. Although sometimes instead of meditating on the teacher's "you are on a golden beach" theme, I find myself meditating on what it would be like to be able to breathe water and be immune to cold, and just snuggle down in the sand at the base of a beautiful reef in Beadnell Bay. I still remember that summer's day diving. Mmmm, calm. I think this means I want to be a seal.

** I have no idea if she is from Florida.

Saturday, 20 July 2013

The Tales We Keep Telling, One: The Guy Who Pissed on the Fruit Machine

It's a funny thing, going to the pub with the same group of friends for years. You develop your own little mythology, mostly featuring around alcohol and, in my case, tales from sharing a house. I kind of miss sharing a house from the point of view of funny things happening, but I SO don't miss the washing-up wars, the continual need to creep round the house for fear of waking folks up when I get insomnia, and the general sense that at any point someone might comment on something I'm doing. (What do you mean, baking at half past midnight is weird? IT'S MY LIFE DAMMIT!)

Some tales we keep telling, of course, cannot feature here for reasons of not wanting to get folks (including me) in trouble. But I see no reason I can't immortalise a few of them, and here is the famous tale of the Guy Who Pissed On the Fruit Machine.

So for this, we need to go back at least five years (flipping heck, I've been in Newcastle a long time). Our little reading group, of which I am proud to be a member, was having its Christmas Do, and we chose to begin with drinks in the Union Rooms. The Union Rooms is the Wetherspoons near Central Station, and used to be our regular haunt until the Five Swans opened, which is nearer the Central Library and handy for the buses and Metro. We prefer Wetherspoons for several reasons: it does real ale, everyone can just about afford to buy a round without needing to take out a loan, and there's no background music. It also affords us the chance to be rude about the food on a fortnightly basis, which usually ends when someone points out that each fortnight we say this, and each fortnight everyone orders the same food and complains about it afterwards.

So, back to Christmas. It was 6.30pm on a Tuesday two weeks before Christmas, and at the Union Rooms, that means a minor level of chaos. We were at the main bar downstairs, and had just bought the drinks when we turned round and saw a guy stagger in. He looked at least fifty, grey-haired and dishevelled, and had clearly been on the receiving end of the stick of life. He also didn't seem to know which room he was in, which pub he was in, or possibly which planet he was on. He staggered into the room, stood just inside the doorway, looked around the room, then turned round and pissed on the fruit machine with a sigh of relief.

I can safely say that this isn't usual behaviour, even in the Union Rooms. As we watched, the manager dashed out from behind the bar, and dragged him away, pointing and yelling "Now look what you've done!" Security became involved, and the man was propelled outside the door. We wandered back over to our table, and drank our drinks.

As we turned round and headed to the door, we saw the same man, clearly not sure where he was or why he was there. As we watched, he staggered up to the door, clearly thought "Yup, that's a door, alright", and wandered back on in.

Right in front of the manager.

I wish I could do justice in words to the expression that came over the manager's face, but if I say that he reddened, his eyes bulged, his finger pointed, and the word "YOU!!"came from his lips at treble volume, you'll get the picture. Security became involved again, and we made our escape to Zizzi's without anyone micturating in our direction.

This tale comes with a short epilogue. Some months later my friend A, who was there on the night in question, was having a curry with some friends in Latif's. As they left, he heard a familiar trickling sound and turned round. It was the same guy, in the same jacket, this time pissing on a record shop doorway. Apparently this is a hobby of his.

Either that, or A is being stalked by a random pissing guy.

It's a great life in the Toon!

Saturday, 13 July 2013

Back From Glasto

 I returned from Glastonbury last week, having seen the Rolling Stones, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Vampire Weekend, and many more. I also caught a hideous cold that left me unable to speak or type for a week, hence absence of blogging.

Blogging will happen soon, but until there, here's a video of Mumford and Sons closing the festival to make up for it.


Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Chased by a Giant Banana

You know those dreams where you’re being chased by something in a random location?

Recently I was chased around the main hall of the Eldon Leisure Centre by a giant banana carrying a golf club caddy.

Well okay, it wasn’t an actual banana. It was a man in a banana suit and we were doing circuits round the hall.

If you’re wondering, it was his 50th birthday. Apparently this chap is famous among the regular circuiteers for eating banana sandwiches in the sauna after a workout (…?), so for his birthday they insisted he wear a banana suit and carry a golf club caddy around whilst doing the circuits class. Later, they presented him with a cake in the shape of two women’s breasts, into which the instructor pushed his head whilst someone took a photo. Everyone kissed him on the cheek on the way out.

I understand that some people take drugs so that they can see weird things. Occasionally I wonder whether I can get some drugs that STOP me seeing weird things. Since I’ll be in Glastonbury next week for the festival, I may well need them. Back soon…

Saturday, 22 June 2013

Unexpected Bon Jovi

Funny how life works out. I was sitting at my desk at 5.15pm last Thursday vaguely thinking about doing another hour’s work, then going home and making a chicken curry, when my phone beeped and displayed the message “Sorry about the short notice. I’ve got some spare free tickets for Bon Jovi at the Stadium of Light tonight, do you want to come? Need to be there for seven.”

I’m not great at sudden changes to plans, so I gave myself a minute to figure out what I wanted to do. The answer turned out to be “go and see Bon Jovi with JK and C”, rather than “go home and do some work on the management course assignment”. That decided, another choice presented itself. My best friend, J, is a HUGE Jon Bon Jovi fan, to the extent that she used to draw pictures of him for assignments in Art class when we were at secondary school. (We’ve now both got mortgages and she’s got two kids; Bon Jovi have been going for a while.)

It occurred to me that J would possibly want to kill me if she couldn’t go. I then decided that she would definitely want to kill me if I didn’t offer her the chance to go, so called her to ask. I then called her husband’s phone, just to be on the safe side.

15 minutes later, I got a very excited phone call, and the plans were made. I was struck by the sudden fear that JK might have had other offers for the tickets, and called him to find out, whilst simultaneously taking a quick inventory of whether I had any clothes with me that were suitable for a rock gig, trying to figure out how to get there, wondering what to do about food, and hoping that the office bike shed would be sufficiently secure to leave my bike there overnight*.

As it was now quarter to six, I fled the office hoping that there would be enough tickets, taking with me my emergency coat from the coat rack and the trainers I’d cycled to work in, and sprinting to Boots in search of a sandwich. As I dithered between a tuna & sweetcorn and a chicken wrap, the phone beeped again. JK solved one of my problems by confirming he’d got enough tickets, and then introduced the other by asking which Metro station we were going to meet at. Confusingly, it turns out “St. Peter’s” is nearer the Stadium of Light than “Stadium of Light”; go figure. I didn’t know this at the time, so agreed we’d meet at the Stadium of Light Metro station around 7pm.

Next stop, Primark, for a cheap pair of jeans, then Haymarket to grab a train ticket. On the other side of the river, J’s husband arrived home on time. Had he not done so, I suspect J would have thrown the baby, the pram and the dog into the car, and dropped them off at his office with the words “Darling, these are yours for the evening. Mwah, see you later!”.

I got the ticket and scurried down the escalator and onto the platform to find a train already waiting with “South Hylton” on the front, which meant naff-all to me as I don’t get the Metro very often. I scurried further down the platform until I found a Metro map, confirmed that this train would land me in Sunderland not South Shields, then did what all the posters tell you not to do and hurled myself bodily onto the train as the doors went “BEEEEP” and started closing. Half a minute later I was glad I’d got on at Haymarket not Monument, as the coach half-emptied and I managed to sneak myself onto a seat in the corner and make a start on the sandwich.

Half an hour later, I was really glad I’d got on at Haymarket not Monument, as the train was heaving. The announcer kept reminding people that there was a train directly behind us calling at the same places. I doubt anyone trying to get on actually heard him, and if they did, I doubt they took any notice. It reminded me of an email about real-life Tube announcements that did the rounds a while back, one of which was: “Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train FIRST ::pause:: Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care. I’m going home”.

As we nearer Sunderland, I found myself trying to coordinate a meeting by phone between four people, one of whom had never met two of the others, and two of whom had never been to the Stadium of Light before and had not a clue where they were going. We’d agreed to meet at Stadium of Light metro station. Just before we got there, JK & C texted to say they were waiting at St. Peters. I decided to get off at Stadium of Light to meet J. Just as I reached the top of the station steps, my phone rang. It was J, and she was at St Peter’s. I had no idea where this was, other “further down the Metro line”.

At which point, inspiration struck, in the form of me remembering the earlier train announcement. I hurtled down the steps against the flow of people, then jumped back onto the train which was running behind my train (and which was, noticeably, a lot more empty). Five minutes later, I was at St Peter’s and had located everyone else. J was nearly jumping up and down with excitement. It’s nice when you can do good things for your friends, particularly since neither of us could have afforded the tickets due to the afore-mentioned mortgages. When we were inside the stadium I took a look at how much we’d have paid to get in (JK got them at the last minute through his employer), gulped, and realised that it was probably a good thing none of the people standing around us knew we hadn’t had to pay - £65 is a fair chunk of cash.

The gig itself was great. Whilst J LOOVES Bon Jovi, for me, they’re more in the “some quite good songs” bracket. I can, however, appreciate a really good show, and this was a really good show. We were lucky with the weather, which helped, and the “giant car” stage set was great, but what made the gig was the band’s showmanship. It is no mean feat to perform the same gig to a different location every night and still make the audience think you really care about them having a good time, but Bon Jovi had worked out that if the audience wants very loud American rock with a giant car, and flashing lights, with a short pause to wave your cameraphones in the air so that the stadium looks like it’s filled with little twinkly lights and a speech from the frontman about people capturing little pieces of history at that moment**, that’s what you give ‘em. They did, and we did. (The only thing they couldn’t give us was a pint of Foster’s that didn’t cost more than £4, although I think the “2-pints of beer in a glass” should catch on at more stadiums.)  Jon Bovi is a great showman, and they did a nice mix of classics and new ones.

Funny how many Bon Jovi songs you know. I realised that quite a few would have to make my “grew up listening to this” list: “Always”, “Bad Medicine”, “You Give Love a Bad Name”. Quite a few more would make my “left home to this” soundtrack; when I lived in Wiltshire I spent a lot of time in my car, and had “Crush” on the cassette player a lot. I was especially happy when “Captain Crash and the Beauty Queen From Mars” came over the speakers, though I was a little disappointed at no “Janie, Don’t Take Your Love To Town”. We danced, we sang, my camera battery miraculously didn’t run out, and we left the stadium happy.

I was even more happy when, having seen the length of the queue for the Metro home, J offered to give me a lift.

One amusing postscript: having dragged myself into work the next day feeling exactly how you would expect to feel if you’d spent four hours on your feet jumping up and down and singing, my boss approached our desks and announced to the office that he would be hiding in his room for the rest of the day, because he’d been to see Bon Jovi the night before, and had lost his voice.



* It was.
** Cheesy, but if that’s not your thing you’re at the wrong gig.

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Now I Notice Plants: Strange Consequences of Home Ownership

As I continued my patio-based War on Dandelions* in the sunshine last Saturday, I mused on how your perspective can change when you own your home. I never took any interest in plants before I owned somewhere with space to grow them. Gardening was largely a mystery to me, mainly because there were other interesting things to do, like read graphic novels and go diving. Both of which are still very interesting, but I now find I notice plants more since I started tending a garden. I walk past the border at the Civic Centre and think “Interesting – they’ve interspersed the flowering plant with the leafy evergreen; I wonder if either of them tolerate shade?”

I never noticed plants before; they were just there. Now I see that someone actually had to decide on what should be there, plant it at the right time in the right place, feed and water it, and generally take care of it. You find the world has hidden depths, when you start looking for them. I doubt I’ll ever become someone who reads gardening magazines for fun, but like many things, it’s good to know a little about it. I can now understand why people get into it; the notion of having your own little realm with control to shape it as you please is quite appealing. Particularly since I spend a fair amount of time in a realm where I have naff-all control over what happens, and have to survive alongside forces which could swat me out of existence. (Insert your own joke about whether I’m referring to where I go diving or my place of work.)

Another amusing consequence I’ve noticed is that people, particularly workmen, keep calling me “Mrs”. I’m not ready for this, it makes me feel like I’m forty. Not that I’m saying that being married and female is the the equivalent of being forty, or fifty, or whatever… just that for most of my life, if I bothered to think about when I would be married, the answer was generally “in the future sometime, like maybe five, ten years”. Which for me, now, would be pushing forty.

I’d like to think it’s more due to the fact that I live in a flat which I’m paying for works being done to, and therefore am more likely to be settled and in a relationship, rather than the fact that I look and sound old enough that “Miss” isn’t an option. Though it would be nice if they asked. I’ve always believed that if you don’t know a woman’s title, you use “Ms” on the grounds that it’s impolite to start making assumptions about someone’s private life. “Ms” is the title I use if one is needed, and I rather intend that it shall remain so if I ever do get married. I don’t really see that my marital status is the business of anyone other than me, and perhaps one other person J


* The buggers are winning. In fact, I’m reminded of the old story of the man who wrote to the Ministry for Agriculture with a two-page letter detailing all the ways in which he had tried to kill the dandelions in his garden, and ending “What do you suggest?”
They wrote back saying “We suggest you learn to love the dandelion”.

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Haikus of Life

Anyone else ever find themselves composing little haikus in their head as they go through life? Just me? I hope not. The haiku is a marvellous thing. Here's one that did the rounds when I worked at IBM back in 1999 (we used to send these round on email, how anyone did any work is beyond me...)

Three things are certain: 
Death, taxes, and lost data. 
Guess which has occurred. 

Windows NT just crashed.
The Blue Screen of Death.
No-one hears your screams.

Charlie Brooker once described the TV listings in haiku format, like this (more here):

The National Lottery: Winning Lines (BBC1, Sat, 8.35pm)
Applause detonates
as bubblegum balls fall in line;
you have won fuck all.
The Weakest Link (BBC2, Mon, 5.15pm)
Disgraced, her target
eats ginger malevolence.
Now, the walk of shame.

Alas, mine are not as funny, and nor do they scan so well:

I do not know why
This bloody bag spills rice all over the kitchen
But alas it does.

Birds avoid feeder
Why? Observe, lurking in 
tree, the tabby cat.

Student pedestrians
Stumble blindly in front of cycles
Toddlers with Ipods.


Incidentally both of the blog posts I've referred to in random drunken conversations, "The Ethics of Ogling Pretty People (Star Trek Into Darkness)" and "Data vs. Information via Heart Attacks in Walker" will turn up at some point. The first requires me to do more research*, the second requires me to have more than 5 minutes to do some actual writing.

* Obvious joke, but it's coming up on 11pm and I'm too knackered to be original.